XYZ

안녕하세요, 섹스 드라이브의
각본, 감독인 숀 앤더스입니다

안녕, 존
거기 있는 줄 몰랐어

- 여긴 존 모리스입니다
- 섹스 그라이브의 각본, 제작이죠

- 무등급이며
- 잘리지 않은

특별판입니다

- 섹스 드라이브의
- 섹스 드라이브의

무등급판을 얼마나 보셨나요?

친구들과 보려고 무등급판을
사시죠, 친구들과만 보려고

욕설 몇 개 더 들어갔다고
예전 영화를 또 사시죠

가끔 젖가슴이 나오기도 하고요

- 그게 뭡니까
- 그래서...

이번에는 아닙니다

그래요, 존
이 무등판에서는

관람자들께

진짜 꼴때리는
무등급 시청을 약속드립니다

- 저희 약속은...
- 거기에 더 많은 젖을 약속드립니다

이런 벗은 젖을

이런 젖 좋죠

거기에 더 많은 물건을
이런 거죠

물건 좋네요, 존

그래요, 존, 그게 다가 아니고
더 많은 장면들과

잡다한 것들로 인해
영화가 아주 길어질 겁니다

곧 여러분을 위해
저질이란 의미입니다

- 관람자들을 위해
- 관람자들을 위해

그러니 섹스 드라이브를
보지 않으셨다면

이 특별판을
먼저 보시지 마십시오

극장판을 먼저 보신 후
이 무등급판을 보십시오

왜냐고요?

네, 이 무등급판은
개판일 테니까요

죄송한데 알려드려야겠네요
저도 똑같은 특별한 문신이 있어요

제거는 등쪽에 있어요

사실은 밖에 좋은 차가 있는데
당신이 보고 싶으면...

진짜입니다
이 멍청한 광팬용을 보시기 전에
진짜 극장판을 먼저 보십시오

2주 후 개막전에
미시건팀과 붙어

코치가 벤치프레스를 엄청 시켜

벤치 몇 번 들어?

얼마면 많지?

100번? 200번?

300번 들어

멋져! 내 사진 올렸어, 너만 봐

어디 볼까, '테이스티'?

정말 예뻐! 생전 못 본 미인...

잠깐! 안달은
남자답게, 냉정!

말랑하면 안돼
'오크녀'라고 해!

그저 그래

더 미인도 있었거든

바보!

봐줬어, 귀여워

코치가 러닝을 심하게 시켜서

그만 간다, 피스!

메시지 보내
내일 운동 끝나고!

테이스티?

어떻게 여길?

섹스 드라이브

이안, 일어나라
20분 후 '저지' 출발한다

타고 싶으면
용변은 나가서 봐라

- 바로 내려갈게
- 당장, 범생이

- 알았어
- 안, 당장 호모야

- 잠시만
- 안돼 안돼, 계집년야

- 조용...
- 아니, 당장 딸딸이꾼

당장, 개부랄

형

- 그만 둬!
- 아프지?

조용해! 잠 자잖아

미안, 왕자지
다시 자, 넌 최고야

- 일어나라
- 잠깐 기다려

거기서 뭐해?

뭐해?
물총 쏘고 있어?

일어나, 뭘 숨겨?

거기 뚱녀 감췄지?

그렇군, 하고 있어
이건 뭐야?

동생이 옆에서 자고 있는데
세상에!

- 좋아, 내 아들 다 있구나
- 아버지, 이안이...

아빠가 폭탄발언하니까
귀들 열도록

어젯밤 너희 아빠가
터뜨렸다

반지 보여요, 캐런

잘 했네요!

일어나 새엄마 안아주겠니?

일어나, 무례하잖아

나중에 안될까요?

- 망할, 이안! 일어나
- 아녜요, 여보 됐어요

시간을 좀 두고

익숙해지겠죠

- 괜찮으세요?
- 캐런, 여보

밤꽃 냄새가 나네

'저지'

가자!
엉덩이에 불나게, 딜도!

일리노이
뚱녀는 싫어

어서 타

정말로 호모짓 그만하고 타

하나 물어볼 테니
솔직히 말해라

- 너 별종이냐?
- 뭐?

- 그럴 줄 알았다
- 말도 안했는데!

남자 것 빠냐고 물으면
주저 없이 다들 아니라지

렉스형, 난 게이 아냐

- 아빠는 네가 게이라고 생각해
- 뭐?

- 노인네 맘을 아프게 하잖아
- 아냐, 아니라고 말했어

넌 18세인데
여친도 하나 없었어

다들 그렇게 게이가 되는 거야

그런 것 같진 않아

그럼 어떻게
그게 되냐, 전문가?

물건 전문가, '물전가'

어느 게 낫냐?
'막대' 아님 '알'?

- 추잡해
- 둘 다 좋아하지?

이를테면 화요일엔
크고 탱탱한 막대가 좋고

수요일, 목요일엔
알이 땡기는 거야

- 무슨 얘기야
- 정할 수가 없지?

어려운 거야
사랑하지만 선택이 괴롭겠지

아니, 형이나 그렇겠지
계속 얘기를 하네

왜 날 보고 웃어? 심각한대

웃지마
널 땅에 박아버리겠어

그 맛이 어때?

물건에서 입을 떼면

그 물건의 움직임이
잘 보일 거 아냐

얼굴도 살짝 칠테고

- 그게 싫어?
- 난 그런 거 안 먹어

그만, 무지 빳빳하고 뜨거운
힘줄 투성이의 버섯머리 같겠지

그래, 그래

다 다른 놈에 대한
환상이 있지만

그런 건 깊숙히 묻어라
여기 미국이야

여자 있어
뭐랄까...

그래 어디서 만났는데?

인터넷에서

뭐?

헛소리는! '데이트라인' 안 봐?
거의 남자일 거다

뚱보 늙다리가
네 후장을 채워넣으려는 거야

근데도 좋다지?
넌 호모니까

이안, 집에 올 땐
중증 게이는 되지 마라

그래도 넌 동성애자야

날 그렇게 보지 마
목구멍에 쑤셔박아 줄게

Hey

What's your favorite song?

Maybe we could hum along

Well, I think you're smart
you sweet thing

Tell me your name
I'm dying here

Got you where I want you

베카, 기분 어때?

좋지 뭐, 뭐든지

베카
길고 거친 밤을 보냈나 봐

'론'과 이안은
자세히 알고 싶어

뭐든지, 그쪽들 추잡해

난 아냐, 무슨 말 했다고

쿠폰 돌리는 거
누가 가지?

난 어제 했어

부탁해, 이안

정말 사랑해

여기 6개 공짜 쿠폰요
아녜요? 죄송

도넛? 아녜요?

6개 공짜 쿠폰에다
밴디토 더즌도요

저기, GAP 어디 있죠?

극장 지나 가세요

고마워

그래, 뭐가 우습냐?

공짜 도넛, 공짜 쿠폰요!

펠리샤, 잘 맞니?

펠리, 보기가...

좋아

아직 가슴 만들 시간 있어
내 결혼식 전에

대린이랑 다 의논했어, 돈 댄대
치과의사니까 껌값이야

- 가위 있어요?
- 그래, 실 나왔니?

아뇨, 그저 제 손목 좀
얼른 째주실래요

내 남편이 작년 성탄 때
그렇게 자살했어

안 됐어요, 전 그저...

여기 6개 공짜 쿠폰요

어머나

그렇게 입으니
정말 화끈해요

제발 오해 말고 들어요

이렇게 오버하니까
좀 없어 보여

괜찮은 분 같은데
킴벌리

- 근데 제 말은...
- 쉬

L 사이즈 보죠

애한테 옷 사주려 나왔어
18세인데 내가 안 해도 되지

주디, 잘 안 들려
지금 터널로 들어가

공식행사다, 랜스
네 엄만 아직도 쏴대는구나

- 엄마가 안 그런다고?
- 엄만 안 그래요, 절대

충고 좀 해 주마

행여 결혼은 말거라
끝없는 거짓말 행군이야

뭘 하든지 꼭 콘돔 껴라

좋네요, 늘 고급스럽네요

그런 말 아니잖니
왜 그래, 친구

선생님 따님께
맛있는 거 있어요

이안? 어떻게 된 거니?

몰라
물건과 알이 또 달렸니?

나뭇가지네 같네

- 너 예쁘다
- 시끄러, 이안

드레스 입으니 어울린다는 거야

왜 인형입으로 말하냐?
우리끼린데

- 맞아, 이안
- 미안, 습관이 돼서

같이 알바 애, 베카
오늘 밤 내 파티에 데려오니?

물어봤는데 싫대

잘 됐어, 너랑 안 어울려

넌 항상 그러더라
모든 여자한테

- 그 애 땜에 또 이거 입었지?
- 난 괜찮아

거절했다면 상처 입고는
네 대물을 그리고 있었을 걸

듣지마! 여자들 원하는 건
친절하게 대하는 좋은 남자야

- 그럴까?
- 그래!

내 말은 다들 원하는 게
도전이란 거야

- 모두 원한다
- '얻을 수 없는 걸', 알았어

알아? 가끔은 걷는 걸
가르쳐 줘야 할 것 같단 말아

그런 거 안 통해

네겐 통하지

안 그런데

펠리샤

어휴, 가야 돼
악마 사촌이랑 주말 보내야 돼

- 네 예쁜 사촌?
- 짐승같은 존재야

- 그래도 화끈해
- 웃겨, 너희 둘, 안녕

베카 어떻게 된거야
내 말대로 남자답게 나갔어?

그래, 남자답게
아니, 못했어

남자다운 걸 연습 해봤어
인터넷에서 만난 여자랑

그런데 알게 됐어
실제론 안 될 것 같아

당연히 되지, 네 능력을 믿어

항상 착한 남자가
돼야한다는 그 걱정만 버려

앤디와 랜디를 저기 봐

여자들이 어떻게 여기든
쟤들이 상관할까?

아무 개념 없을 걸

안녕, 모금중이거든
헐벗은 에쿠아도르 아동 돕기

- 도와 줄래?
- 싫어

- 우리 돈 없어
- 직업도 없어

파티 할래?

난 지금 근무 중이거든

- 마치면?
- 그 후에 뭐 해?

교회 일이 오늘 밤 있거든

- 죽인다, 우리 갈게
- 어딘데?

거기 너같이
화끈한 년들 많냐?

쟤들은 완전 얼간이야
진도를 못 나가

'닫는 법'을 몰라서 그래
'여는 법'에선 정말 용감하지

- 가죽끈 팬티 입냐?
- 우리가 셔츠 벗어?

- 브라자 무슨 색이야?
- 네 엄마도 화끈해?

나랑 할래?

- 어디 사냐?
- 차는 무슨 색이야?

- 어디 사냐?
- 주소 어디야?

- 우리가 갈까?
- 피자 좋아해?

우리 모텔 가 봤다

꺼져, 도넛

렉스형, 나야

이건 또 뭐야?

사물함 열쇠가 고장나서
옷 못 꺼냈어

트렁크에 실어
맙소사, 멕시코 멍청이 같군

베카? 안녕

여기 오는 줄 몰랐어

내가 사는 데를 알 줄이야

- 그래, 알아
- 그래

웃긴 일이야
키를 빼다 부러뜨려서

론이 빌려줘서 이렇게...

잘 됐어, 마음 바꿨구나
파티는 몇 시간 있다 시작...

사실 난...
딜런 여기 있니?

- 딜런?
- 그래, 여기 있니?

- 내 14세 동생?
- 그래

팬티 멋있어, 이안

쟤가 14세인 줄은 알지?

로라, 신디, 공짜 구경이네
너무 좋아

- 축하해
- 반가워

이게 계획이야?

촉촉한 여자애가 80명이야
목석같이 있지 마

- 너 피는 거 시가야?
- 그래

- 랜스, 멋진 파티야
- 무례해, 얘기하는 거 안 보여?

좀 있다 갈게, 됐지?

- 우리 미안해
- 쟤에게 사과하지 마

- 미안하다
- 내게도 사과하지 마

- 가서 펠리샤 상대나 볼게
- 아냐, 펠리샤는 잊어

너희 단짝친구인 거
다 알지만

오늘 밤은 네 물건 볕 쏘여야지

린지, 자기, 어디 가?

이리 와, 우리 안 끝났어
이리 와

- 내 친구 이안 알지?
- 그래, 실은 몰라

- 너희 집 신문 돌렸었는데
- 그래, 내 엄마가 널 좋아해

엄마가 좋아하는 건 집어치워
이안을 봐

크고 빛나는 피빛 왕이지?

딴 거 알아?

이안은 초절정 동정이야

정말 미안해

이런다고 얘 먹는 걸
포기하지 마

난 꽤 들떠있어
위스콘신 대에 가게 됐거든

수의학을 지원할거야
너도 가니? 대학

볼더 대학교는 대단한
파티 학교야

읽었는데 거기
좋은 천문학 과정이 있대지

그래서 거길 가?
고지대에 있어 별도 잘 보이고

행성들도

아야! 그 끝 움직임
정말 끌리네

내것에 해달라는 건 아니고...

이 느낌 좋으니까 네가 원하면
손가락에만 계속 해도...

정말 잘한다
온통 젖었어

두개

- 이안, 친구
- 잠시만 실례할게

야, 야?

- 안녕
- 안에서 뭐해, 이 사람아?

- 밖에서 뭐하는데, 이 사람아?
- 내가 먼저 물었어

별 거 아냐
셔츠에다 맥주를 쏟아서...

- 그래서...
- 여자랑 있는 줄 알았다

그럼 좋았게

너희 부모님 여전히 이번 주말에
딜런 모터크로싱에 가시니?

- 아침에 갈 거야
- 그래, 멋져

내 악마 사촌 때문에
미칠 것 같아서

이번 주말에
너희 집에서 보내도 될까?

그래, 건너와 자는거
괜찮지

정말 고마워

비밀이 있어

- 그래
- 근데 여자의 비밀 같은 거야

- 괜찮겠어?
- 응

- 정말? 좋아
- 응

디비츠, 꺼져

그게...
이런, 너무 경직됐다

- 지금 여자처럼 구는구나
- 그러게 말야

나 반한 사람 있어

- 남자애, 남자 말야
- 그렇구나

- 그게 누구야?
- 날 누구보다 잘 알잖아

누군지 알거야, 어서 맞춰봐

알 것 같다

장난한 거야
이런, 이제 알겠어

다 알겠다
다 알겠어!

- 넌 최고 '친구'야
- 그래! 넌 내 최고친구고

그래서 웃겨, 우리 키스 말야
친구는 안 하니까

누군데?
누가 행운의 '기사'지?

- 노바디
- 노바디?

나도 장난한 거야

웃겨
정말 웃겨

가혹해

들어와, 이안

난 괜찮아
난 그냥...

이안, 어서
부끄러하지 말고

아니, 됐어
자리가 꽉 찬거 같으니...

끼지 않을래, 친구?

됐네, 친구

너희들이 몽땅
차지한 거 같으니

난 내빼야지
재미들 봐

린지, 엄마한테 안부 전해줘

다음 봐, 친구

이안, 어디 가?

제길

골디, 자리 좀 만들어

- 예쁜이, 파티할래?
- 지금 하잖아

우리랑 한 번 할래?

- 사진 좀 찍지, 이안?
- 그래서 초절정꽃남.com에 올려

우리가 최고란에!

어디까지 했어?

- 뭐 좀 물어볼까?
- 지금 물었잖아

- 또 물어볼까?
- 또 물었잖아

- 여, 안녕?
- 안녕, 안녕?

머리 좋네
내 거기털보다 나은데

- 친구, 어디 가?
- 이런

왜 그래?
문제 있어? 친구 먹자

- 그래, 그래
- 원숭이를 넘어야 돼

그런 자신감은 어디서 나지?
보는 족족 여자한테 그러는 거

- 우린 막장이니까
- 너도 알잖아, 샌님

- 펠리샤는 어디 있냐?
- 펠이 널 먹었챠

- 걔는 안에...
- 펠리챠! 걔랑 할거냐?

그냥 친구야

- 나 포경 안했어
- 그래

- 너랑 할거고 나 딱딱해
- 그래

- 난 태생이 씨내리야
- 그래

- 난 불꽃남이야
- 먹어

- 졸업파티도 데려 갔잖아
- 그래, 친구 사이였어

- 걔랑 해라, 우리라면 할거야
- 우린 할텐데 엄청

우리가 걔를 먹고...

네가 관심 없다면
우리가 대신 해준다고 전해라

그럼, 엄청!

우리 물건으로!

- 우리 물건 엄청나!
- 우주에서도 보여!

- 안녕?
- 안녕?

야, 전화번호 있어?

없으면 됐어

전국대회 때 전화할게

- 말해 줘
- 내 귀여운 도넛 걸

요! 이안형!

손가락 냄새 맡을래?

그래, 뭐

구멍 제대로 찾았어?

애들이란

이안, 자기!
풋볼 연습 어땠어?

죽였지

네 차 멋져!
몇 년도 산이지?

1969년산

'69'형 좋더라!

이럼 어때

GTO를 몰고
낙스빌로 와서 날 만나

안달 마, 냉정해

글쎄

너무 멀어, 내 달콤아!

달콤이...
젠장 실수했어!

있지
날 보러 먼 길 오면

끝까지 가줄게, 너랑!

내 물건을 원하고 있어

정력남, 초윤활

콘돔 및 링 세트

초연성 윤활
절정 조절 윤활

그녀의 즐거움
특대형

육포 좋더라

테리, 전화요

나하고 체육 같이 듣지?
이름이 뭐더라? 이건?

응, 안녕 조단

어쨌든, 사타구니 긁더니
임신을 피하려고 하네

루스, 이거 봐
누가 콘돔을 사는지

선물 포장 해줄까, 이건?

계산이나 해

카렌, 내가 들게

아빠, 내 헬멧 어쨌어요?

섹스여행시 지참물

1) 지도 및 안내서 2) 전화
3) 전화 충전기 4) iPod 5) iPod 충전기
6) 새 셔츠 7) 콘돔 8) 돈 9) 이 목록

이안아, 좀 만들어 봤는데...

톨하우스 쿠키란다
여기 널 위해 둘게

용돈으로 40불을
카우에 뒀단다

잘 지내
노크 못해서 미안해

언제든지요
이젠 새엄마 집이죠

무슨 일이야, 너 콘돔 샀어?

- 어떻게 알았어?
- 러스 밀러의 블로그에 떴어

러스 밀러의 고교생활:
"이안 래퍼티, 콘돔에 돈 낭비!"

- 이런, 11분 전 일인데
- 무슨 일이야?

이 애가 날 오늘 밤 만나재
낙스빌의 빅보이에서

인터넷에서
네 물건 초대장이 온거네

이런

- 콘돔 싸라, 낙스빌 가자
- 그만 둬, 다시 담아

이 애 스타일은...

면도를 그 곳까지 밀었어

난 그런 데 못 해

모를 일이지 또
그 아래 뭐든 새겼을 걸

조그만 히틀러든
추잡한 추바카든

하지만 이년은 싱싱해 보여

애가 원하는 건 내가 아니고

- 이 사람이야
- 미안

이거 좋네
너 닮았어, 눈이 그래

'테이스티'도 '남자'일 테지

그럴지도
하지만 아니라면?

네가 '열었으니'
내가 '매듭짓게' 도와주지

근데 한 가지

이거 말야

69년 GTO를 끌고 가면

빅보이 주차장에서 까무라칠 걸

이안, 이거 좀 도와

거기 아래 묶어 단단히

- 너무 짧은데
- 힘 팍 줘봐, 약골아

괜찮은데, 잘했어

- 내 차 빌려달라 했던가?
- 아니, 됐어

정말로?

내 동생이잖아
그냥 부탁만 하면 돼

그래

'저지' 주말에 좀 써도 돼?

멍충이, 절대 네겐
'저지' 안 맡겨

설사 내가 오물을 지려도

기본적으로 차는 끌고 가야지

어쩌라고?

선 빼서 시동거는 것도 못하고
뭐 하는 거야?

도로 넣어
아까 못 들었어?

얘기 좀 하자

여자가 9시간만 가면 있어

우리 오늘밤 거기 가서
넌 물건을 거기 넣을 거야

이안은 그걸
다질 고기처럼 여기고

망치 대신에
그의 물건으로 두드릴 거야

피가 날 때까지
박아댈 수 있어

여자는 엉망이 되겠지
그러면 우린...

- 뭐해요?
- 아직 필름 돌아

누가 그걸 박아대?
이안이 그걸 박는다

내일 돌아오면 차가
사라졌는지도 렉스는 몰라

매디슨 다니는 여자들은
대학 수준으로 할거야

너도 대비를 해야 돼

돌려놔

다시 놔

맙소사, 너희 둘
호모는 5분도 못 참냐?

제길

- 제길
- 망할

주말에 여기서 지내라고
쟤한데 약속했어

왜 렉스 차를 몰고다녀?

- 나만 빼놓는 거지?
- 아냐, 그럴리가

그럼 어디 가는데?

테네시주, 낙스빌에

좋아, 엄마한테 얘기하고

- 이게 뭐야
- 난 데려가고 싶지 않아

'여자 훼방꾼'을 안 데려간다고?
네 섹스여행에, 거짓말

- 쟤는 늘 네 물건을 훼방놔
- 아냐, 단지...

그럼 여자 걸 막는군
헛똑똑

아니, 내일요

- 다녀올게요
- 너희들 조심해서 가라!

- 테네시엔 무슨 일이야?
- 할머니께서 암이야

- 케이 할머니?
- 괜찮으셔, 오래 사실 거야

- '발' 암이야
- 사소한 '발'암이니까 곧 걸으셔

테네시에서 뭐 하시지?

거기 강력 암센터가 있거든

유명하거든
너도 암에 걸리면 꼭...

꼭 전적으로 거길 알아 봐

난 그럴 거야

I-80을 타고 동쪽으로 가서
65를 타서 쭉 인디애나로 가

- 그래 기분 어때?
- 뭐가?

규칙 깨고 꾸며대고
'저지'를 모는 거?

괜찮은데

I'm feeling rough
I'm feeling raw

I'm in the prime of my life

Let's make some music, make some
money. Find some models for wives

This is our decision
To live fast and die young

We've got the vision
Now let's have some fun

I said, yeah, yeah, yeah

이 친구 경주하재

- 하자고, 샌님들
- 그만 둬

누군지도 모르면서

대수야?
스티브 맥퀸이든 좀비족이든

난 저런 잡동사니 차한텐
창피당하고 싶지 않아

난 형 차로는 경주 안 해

저건 뭐야?

'나초스 벨그란데' 요리 같아

'차루파' 요리야

미디엄 '코크'!

오른쪽으로!

- 와이퍼 돌려!
- 돌리고 있어!

소리 지르지 마
최선을 다하고 있어

- 캠핑차야!
- 어디?

캠핑차! 캠핑차!

이런, 괜찮아?

아무도 안 돕는군
이건 내가 알아서 해

- 괜찮아요?
- 그래 보여요?

엿까!

어떻게 하면 나아질지 알아요?
2번 주유기에 40불요

이봐요, 거기 괜찮아요?

제길! 어금니까지 잠기겠네

시원하다

소변 소심증이야?

- 네
- 저런

'페이유레시스'라고 부르지

뭐 좀 말해줄게
이름을 모르네

이안이에요

말해주지, 이안
나도 좀 심했었어

할 수 있어, 이안
할 수 있어

언니 따라가

실례해요
그건 제 주유기인데요

그래? 몸을 비웠으니
자리를 놓친 거야

로건, 그거 먹지마
입맛 떨어진다

망할

이봐요, 아줌마

나머지 이빨 성하고 싶으면
그 주유기 내놔요

그래서 아버지한테 말했지
"아버진 내 주인이 아녜요"

"아버지도 앤지도 아녜요"
내가 말한 여자 이름이야

"물론 이 오줌발도 아니고요"

아버지가 날 보더군
자네도...

이안, 어디 가?
포기하지 마

난 1시간은 일보는데

- 수집품에 추가해
- 멋져, 고마워

뭐?

괜찮아, 브랜디
괜찮아 울지 마

랜스, 뭐하는 거야?

부끄러운 줄 알아
지금 동정심을 베풀고 있잖아

그리고 내 물건에게도

괜찮아, 자기
그냥 실컷 울어도 돼

왠 줄 알아?
우리 사랑이 말려줄 테니까

'사랑이 우릴 살게 해'
그 노래처럼, 그 노래 알아?

이제 그게 우리 노래야
그 노래가 우리 관계를 대변해

돈 헤일리의 가사가
우리 사랑을 나타내

그건 뭐야?

얘들아, 어디서 왔니?

시카고, 시카고 외곽요

너희 둘 결혼했니? 아냐?

우리요?
아뇨, 우린 그냥 친구예요

좋은 부부 되겠다
색시가 예뻐, 걔랑 결혼해

우리 마누라와 날 봐
우린 영원히 맺어졌어

마누라고 예전엔 멋졌어

처음 본 날
"내 아내가 될거야"라고 말했지

그리고 어떻게 됐게?
그대로 됐어

옥수수값이 좋은 시절이었지

돈 많이 벌었어

내 지프를 고치고

섹시한 프랑스제 속옷을
마누라한테 선물했었지

그게 내가 써본
최고의 6불이야

퍼플 캔 하나 갖다 먹을래?

퍼플, 그거 좋네요
이안, 퍼플?

애들 아직 있어?

- '빅하향 빨기' 해봤어?
- 아니, 그거 해보자

그 신발 맞는지 보자

세상에
이거 학위 있어?

선수가 기록을 깼을 때
뭐라는지 알아?

그렇게 좋을까?

당신 입으로 내 물건을
빨아주니까 그 기분이야?

정말 이름이 퍼플 소다야

쟤 좋아하지, 맞지?

뭐? 누구?

랜스, 네 짝사랑 맞지?

그래, 랜스 좋지
아주 화끈하니까

쟤의 애를 갖고 싶고
뭐든지

브랜디!

안녕하세요?

- 안녕하세요
- 맥프룸씨, 부인

브랜디 년 어딨나요?

'황색 뽑기' 해봤어?

아니, 해 보자

하얀대

잠깐

아니 아니, 그 황색 말고
그거 말고, 그거 아냐

- 뭐죠? 여자 칠거예요?
- 아니

하지만 저 놈은 패야지
실컷

가세요, 가세요

이봐!

교회에 가야겠어

자기! 어서 문 열어!

이봐요, 그게 말예요

학습용 프로젝트였어요

퍼플 소다!

비엔나 소시지!

저기 있군

발가벗고 죽진 않아

먹어라! 지랄맞은 개새끼!

일어서, 이 망할 자식!

한 가지만 묻겠다
그년이 덩어리를 싸줬어?

잠깐만요!

이럴 가치 없는 여자예요
큰 걸 당신에게 싸댈 걸요

정말예요

- 그년이 뒷구멍 만져줬어?
- 아뇨, 아녜요

- 보여봐!
- 남자인 줄 알았어요, 난 게이예요

난 망할 게이예요

배트나 먹어, 멍청이!

이런 제길!

이안이 방금 사람 죽였어

죄송해요, 괜찮나요?
제게 보험카드 있어요

우린 외지인이라
옥수수 사이로 안 보였어요

미안해요

- 길이 어디야?
- 왼쪽 같은데

말했지? 이럴 시간 없다고
망할 재미나 보면서

우릴 밖에다 둬?
여자 엄마의 괴상한 소다랑

그 애비는 알을 훤히 내보이고

그렇게 하는 거야

훌륭한 운전이야
랜스, 너 나빠

- 여기 어디야?
- 구글 지도 어디 있지?

- 내 바지에
- 바지는?

그 트레일러 주택에

그래, 잘 됐네

내 덤불에 껌 붙었어

저 사람 태워
고속도로 가는 길 알거야

- 히치하이커는 태우지 마
- 걱정마, 안 할게

태워줘 고마워, 수시간 동안
차가 한 대도 없어, 말이 돼?

- 아저씨, 우린 사실...
- 착한 사람들이야

저런, 바지를 안 입었구만

알아요

그렇군

가자, 가야지

내 물건이 탔네

정말 빠른데
여자는 어떻게 된거야?

- 난 25살이야
- 무슨 말이지

전화가 안 돼
신호 한 줄도

물이 필요해서 일거야
트렁크에 좀 있어?

남자 일이야
우리가 알아서 할게

내 오빠는 이런 때
라디에이터에 오줌 누더라

- 그랬어?
- 그래

그렇게 하나 배우지

이런 거 좋아하면
봐도 좋아

고맙지만 네 물건 감상은
오늘 할만큼 했어

- 들려? 종소리가 나
- 네가 진거지

- 면도날 느낌이야
- 뭐라고?

여기 개미 있다
참고 해줘

그래, 일어서

잡고 쪼개 버려

- 저리 가
- 너 정말 아직도 이래?

아직도 가리는구나

다 큰 놈이

흐르는 강, 부드러운 냇물
흐르는 강, 부드러운 냇물

- 야 무대공포증, 어때?
- 망할! 좀 기다려

저기요

라디에어터에 오줌 좀 눠주세요

- 왜?
- 필요해서요

미안, 난 몇 분전에 뽑았어

똥을 눠줄까?

- 그게 필요하면 다시 올게요
- 그래

- 똥은 당장 된다고 했다
- 대단해

나그네 아저씨 탱크는 비었대

뭔데?

안돼, 왜 이래
난 너희들처럼 못해

한 방울이라도
도움이 많이 돼

가방에서 이거 찾았다

하느님 감사합니다

- 안돼!
- 뭐하는 거예요?

20분만 기다리면
거기 눠줄게

10분이 될 수도 있어

좋아요 좋아
하지만 누군든 훔쳐보면

신께 맹세코
끝장일 줄 알아

제길

너희들 좀 도와줘?

방뇨녀.com
보시라, 풋풋한 예쁜이들의
뜨거운 방뇨!

- 괜찮아?
- 4인 가족에 거길 보였을 뿐야

시동 걸어봐

다 된거야?

저기 죄송하지만
태워드릴 수 없어요

딱 한 번 말한다
이 차 문 열어라

안 그럼 하느님을 증인으로
너희 모두를 땅에 박아넣고

너희를 갈라 연 다음
개가 먹게 해주마

그래요?

안녕

제길, 제길

- 무슨 일이야?
- 섰어

이런

네 계획대로 안 됐네?

나 많이 실망한거 알아?
빵점 짜리 품성이야

알아요, 미안해요

그리고 넌 멍청이야

멍청이, 알아, 아줌마?
너도 멍청이야

너희 주문한 오줌 나왔다

여기 간다, 짜식아!

퀵 세차?

육포 냄새 같아

그 새콤달콤 같아

1시간 반이나 아무도 없어
이런 도로를 왜 만들었지?

여기 정말 덥다

- 아파?
- 그래, 아파

저거 뭐지?

정말 아름다워!

도와줘요?

네, 하지만...

- 별 뜻은 없어요
- 내가 '아미쉬'라서요?

69년 GTO '저지'에 관해
난 모를 거다?

455 대형 블럭, 램 에어
4-11 파지 같은 거요?

괴상해, 저건
우주에서나 떨어졌겠지

잘해 보시오
장차 떠가겠죠, 우주인 양반

저기, 기다려요
잠깐만요

뭐해? 아냐 아냐
그러지마, 안 돼

더 걸어야 할지 모르잖아
너 그 신발 하나 뿐이야

네 말이 맞을 거야
정말 넌 합리적이야

하지만 할까? 말까?

정말 하다니

친구가 여자를 사귀었어요
인터넷에서, 대강 그런데...

인터넷?

네, 그건 일련의
컴퓨터들이 연결된 건데

컴퓨터?

컴퓨터는 큰 계산기 같은 거죠
화면이 달렸고요

장난친 거예요
인터넷 뭔지 알아요

- 럼스프링어 들어봤어요?
- 스카 밴드죠, 델러웨어 출신

그게 아니고 뜻이
'제멋대로 지낸다'로

아미쉬 전통인데, 16세가 되면
얼마 동안 이방인처럼 지내요

미친 짓 하고, 파티하며
수 개월, 수 년 동안

그러다 당신들이 못 살게 굴면
다시 석기시대로 돌아와요

- 럼스프링어인데, 왜 마차를?
- 아니, 난 아녜요

난 지났어요
이방인과 얘기도 금지지만

난 좀 아미쉬 무법자라서

- 가끔 바깥 세상이 그리워요
- 뭐가 가장 그리워요?

비꼬는 거요
우리에겐 그게 대체로 사라졌죠

그리고 도박
라스베가스에도 한 번 갔죠

항문 그 짓도

거기 좋은 추억이 많아요

- 그렇다 하대요
- 그래요

항문 그 짓

잠시만요, 우리
남자들 얘기를 하는 건가요?

- 아뇨
- 그럼 됐어요

당신 취향이 아니라면
어쨌든

- 아녜요
- 아녜요?

아녜요

- 남자는 아니다
- 아녜요, 아녜요

- 몇 살이에요?
- 충분히 늙었어요

당신은 몇 살이죠?

그렇게는 안돼요

당신이 투쟁을 하건 안하건
그렇게는 안돼요

그래서 전 당신이
투쟁해줬으면 하는데요

컷

- 네 차례야
- 절대 어림 없어

미친 짓은 않을 거니?
단 한 번도

나도 전국의 반이나 지나며
하려는 게...

하려는 게
할머니 방문인 거야?

그래서 우리가 거기 있는데
그녀가...

그랬군요

울음을 멈추지
않을 것 같았어요

- 그것도 아주 재밌는 일이네요
- 그래요

알아요, 베가스에서 스트립퍼와
있는데 "이걸 원해요?" 했더니

"네, 원해요, 원해" 그러더군요

그러니까 저도
금방 달아오더군요

"왜 울어요?" 하니까
"의사가 되고 싶어요" 해서

제가 "그래요, 당신은
물건에는 박사예요" 했죠

- 맞아요
- 그래요, 분명히

그리곤 내 정자를
우는 얼굴에 갈겨버렸죠

일반적으로 베가스에서는
좋은 시절이었어요

10불이면 빨아서 빼주죠

좋은 여자를 만나서
"전 럼스프링어예요"라고 하면 공짜죠

"빨아서 빼는게 뭐죠?"

"테크노 음악이 즐거워요"

당신 엉덩이에 박게 해줘요

발을 유리 조각에 베어도
난 못 들어 줘

난 괜찮아
맨발로 태어난 걸

잘들 걸어라, 쓰레기들

애들아, 내 친구 이제켈이야

안녕, 외부인?

여기선 통신이 안 돼

늦는다고 알리지도 못해

잘 됐어, 기다리게 해
안달하며 나가면 안돼

9시간 운전하고서
어떻게 태연하게 나가냐?

볼 일 있었다고 해

이런!

이 끈적한 거 보여요?
헤드캐스킷 나갔어요, 안 좋아요

- 걱정 마요, 우리가 고쳐요
- 정말요?

- 네, 우리 잘 해요
- 그래요?

겸손 떨고 싶진 않아요
대단한 거죠, 네 우리가 고쳐요

- 멋있네요
- 네 멋있죠, 그렇죠?

내가 당신의 역대
최고 멋진 사람일 걸요

- 고마워요
- 네, 천만에요

당신네는 그렇게 말하죠
사람들이 좋은 일 해주면

옆에서 꽤 큰 파티가 열려요
거기 가서 어울려요

그 동안 우리가 고칠게요

편하게 놀아요
우리가 당신을 위해 다 할테니

- 시비거는 건가?
- 너랑 장난치는 거야

야, 꼴 좀 풀어

이거 느낌이 좋아
아마쉬랑 파티하잖아

틀림없이 기운찬
누비 이불 만들기 모임일 걸

- 안녕, 친구
- 안녕

이럴 수가

When I'm home alone
I just can't stop myself

- 여기 미쳤어!
- 그래

Signing off, " I'm all right in bed
but I'm better with a pen"

I'm all right in bed
but I'm better with a pen

The kid was all right
but it went to his head

감사합니다, 여러분
매우 매우 매우

여러분 정말 최고예요

꿈도 꾸지 마
네 수작은 쟤한텐 안 통해

네가 여자를 알아?
지내본 적도 없으면서

난 가서 차 좀 볼게

제길
우리 춤 추자

웃기지 마
난 애석상감은 아냐

미워하지 마

Hello, my name is Sean Anders.
Screenwriter and director of Sex Drive.

Hi, John. I didn't see you there.

- This is John Morris.
- Screenwriter and producer of Sex Drive.

- Welcome to the unrated...
- Uncircumcised...

...edition of...

...Sex Drive.
- Sex Drive.

How many times has
this happened to you?

You purchase an unrated DVD to view
with your friends. Only with your friends...

Only to find that you got the same
old movie with a few extra curse words,

and maybe an additional tit or two.

- What a jip.
- And how...

Not this time.

That's right, John.
On this unrated DVD we promise you,

the viewer,

a genuinely wacky, zany
and unrated viewing experience.

- We promise...
- Plus, we promise more tits.

Bare tits like these.

These tits are good.

Plus, more cock, like this.

That's good cock, John.

That's right, John, and that's not all,
we promise lots of additional scenes,

takes and other bullshit
that will make the movie way too long.

And this means a lower standard
of filmmaking for you,

- the viewer.
- The viewer.

So, if you've never seen Sex Drive before,
please, for real,

do not watch this version first.

Watch the real theatrical version
and then come back and watch this one.

Why?

Yes, because this version
of the movie is going to suck.

Sorry, but I couldn't help but notice you.
I have this exact same tribal tattoo.

Mine's one my... It's on my back.

But actually I have a town car outside
if you wanna go see...

All right.
Why don't you do one more?

We open up against Michigan
in two weeks.

Coach's got me hitting the bench
pretty hard.

Shit. How much is a lot?

One... No, two.

I'm putting up three hundy.

Well, let's see, Tasty.

Wow!

Um...

Wow, you're really pretty. I've never seen...

No, stop it, stop it.

Don't be so fucking desperate.
Come on, be a dick. Be cool.

Don't be a pussy.
Tell her she's an ugly skank.

Yeah.

Not bad.

I've seen better.

Yeah, whatever.

Coach's got us running two-a-days,
so I gotta bounce.

Miss Tasty? How did you get here?

Shh!

Ian, wake up, faggot. Judge rolls in 20,

so if you want a ride to work
you better get your poop in a group.

- Okay, I'll be right down.
- No. Now, Clay Aiken.

- All right.
- No, now, homo.

- Just give me a minute.
- No, no, no, no. Now, sissy.

- Just...
- No, now, chode-stroker.

Now, ball bag.

Hey...

- Ow! Cut it out.
- Hurts, doesn't it?

Shut up! I'm trying to sleep.

Hey, Big D, sorry. Go back to sleep.
You're golden.

- You, get your ass up.
- Give me a minute.

What're you doing under there, huh?

What're you doing?
You're firing off your skin pistol?

Come on, get up. What are you hiding?

You got a big fattie under there, don't you?

Yeah, you do. You're stroking it, too.
What the F?

Your little brother's sleeping
not ten feet away. Jesus Christ!

Good. My boys are all here.

- Dad, Ian's free...
- Can it, Rex.

Your pop's got a bombshell to drop,
so ears open.

Last night,
your old man popped the question.

Show them, Karen.

I'm so happy.

Hey, way to go!

Ian, you wanna get off your duff
and come over here and give Karen a hug?

Um...

- Yeah, Ian, come on. You're being rude.
- Can we do that later?

- Damn it, Ian, get up...
- No, no, honey. It's okay.

We have to give him time
to get used to the idea.

Karen?
- Are you okay?

Karen? Karen, honey?
- You okay?

Sweetheart?

What smells like jizz?

Let's go! Kick it in the ass, dildo!

Come on, get in. Get in!

You suck!

Okay, seriously.
Quit being such a fag and get in.

Never go down
So let's get it up

Ian, I'm gonna ask you a question,
and I want a straight answer.

- You queer?
- What?

- God damn it! I knew it!
- I didn't say anything.

Exactly. If someone asks you
if you're a pole smoker,

you just deny it, straight off.
No pause, no farting around.

Rex, I'm not gay.

- Dad thinks you're gay.
- What?

- You're breaking the old man's heart.
- No, I'm not. I told him I'm not.

Ian, you're 18,
and you've never had a girlfriend.

That's how people wind up getting gay,
you know.

I don't think that's really how it happens.

Is that not how it happens?
So tell me how it happens, expert.

Fucking cock expert. Cockspert.

Hey, what do you like better,
the shaft or the balls?

- That's gross.
- You like them both, don't you?

It's like, sometimes like, Tuesdays you want
the big, old fucking shiny-ass cock,

and Wednesdays and Thursdays
you're on to the balls.

- I don't know why you're talking about it.
- You can't choose, can you?

That's a tough one.
You love it and you're obsessed with it.

No, you are. You keep talking about it.

Why're you smiling at me? I'm serious.

Don't fucking smile at me. You know
I'll knock you out of this goddamn earth.

What does it taste like?

Like, right when you take your mouth off
and it's like kind of

like you can almost see your reflection
in that fucking cock.

Smack you in the face with it a little bit.

- You don't like that?
- I don't eat...

Just cut. Just like, shiny fucking stiff,
hot vascular mushroom head.

Yeah, yeah.

Look, every guy's got a fantasy
about another guy,

but you got to bury that shit way down.
This is America, God damn it.

There is...
There is a girl that I've been kind of...

All right, I'm listening.
Where'd you meet her?

On the... Online.

What? For fuck's sake, Ian,
don't you watch Dateline?

She's probably a guy. Some fat old dude
who wants to ram you in the tailpipe.

But you'd love that, wouldn't you?
'Cause you're a homo.

Hey, Ian. Try not to come home any gayer
than you are now.

Seriously, though. You're a fag.

Hey, don't look at me like that.
I'll punch you in the goddamn throat.

Hey

What's your favorite song?

Maybe we could hum along

Well, I think you're smart,
you sweet thing

Tell me your name,
I'm dying here

Got you where I want you

Yeah

- Hey, Becca. How are you?
- I'm good. I'm fine. Whatever.

Hey, Becca.
Looks like you had a long, nasty night.

- Ron and Ian want the four-one-uno.
- Whatever. You guys are gross.

- I'm not gross. I didn't say anything.
- Okay, who's going on coupon rounds?

- No, Becca, I did it yesterday.
- Please, Ian.

I love you so much.

Hello. This is a coupon for six free...
No? Okay. Sorry. Donuts? No.

- Six free donuts with the Bandito's Dozen.
- Thanks.

You're welcome. Sorry.

Excuse me. Do you know where the Gap is?

- It's just past the movie theater.
- Thanks, man.

Yeah, real funny.

Free donuts, free coupons.

Felicia. How's it fitting, hon?

Well, you look nice.

You know, sweetie,
there's still time to have your boobs done

before my wedding.

Darren and I already discussed them,
and he said he'd pay for it.

I mean, he's a dentist,
so it's totally not a big deal.

Excuse me, do you have a pair of scissors?

Oh! Sure, sweetie. Do you have a stringie?

Oh, no. I was just hoping
you could slit my wrists for me quickly.

My husband killed himself last Christmas.

I am so sorry. I was just...

Hello. This is a coupon
for six free donuts. Donuts?

Oh, my God! You look so hot in that.

Hey, sweetheart, listen.
Please don't take this the wrong way,

but your whole trying too hard thing,

it's just coming across as needy,
you know?

And I think you're better than that,
Kimberly.

- But all I was saying was that...
- Shh! Let's see it in a large. Okay?

I mean, Christ,
I'm out buying him clothes right now.

He's 18 years old.
I don't have to do that shit anymore.

Look, Judy, listen, I'm sorry,
I'm losing you. I'm going into a tunnel.

Well, it's official, Lance,
your mom's still bat-shit crazy.

What? You're telling me
she doesn't shit-talk me?

No, actually, she doesn't. She doesn't, ever.

All right. Let me give you some advice,
Lance, all right?

Don't ever get married.
Just an endless parade of horseshit.

And whatever you do, man,
always wear a rubber. Christ.

Nice. Always classy.

Hey, come on, Lance, I didn't mean it like...
Come on, dawg.

Hey, sir. I've got something yummy
for your little girl.

Oh, my God. Excuse me! Sorry!

- Ian? Oh, my God, dude, what happened?
- I don't know.

Is there a cock and balls
on the front of me again?

- Like a little tree trunk.
- Thank you.

Oh, my God.

- Whoa. You look pretty.
- God, shut up, Ian!

What? I'm just saying,
you usually dress so... You look nice.

Ian, why do you got to work the mouth
when you talk to us?

- Yeah, Ian.
- Sorry, it's a... It's a habit.

Hey, that girl you work with, Becca,
you gonna bring her to my party tonight?

- Yeah, I asked her. She said no.
- Good. Dude, she's totally wrong for you.

That's what you say about everyone.

She made you wear
the fucking costume again, right?

- You know, I don't mind...
- Dude, if you told her to fuck off,

she'd be two knuckles deep right now
daydreaming about your big black cock.

Ian, do not listen to him.

Okay, girls want a nice guy
who's gonna treat them well.

- Really?
- Yes. Really.

Look, all I'm saying is
everybody wants a challenge.

- Everybody wants...
- What they can't get. I know, I got it.

Do you get it? 'Cause I mean, it feels like
I'm teaching you to walk sometimes.

- That shit does not work.
- It works on you.

No, it doesn't.

Felicia!

Balls! I got to go.
Evil cousin's spending the weekend.

- Pretty cousin?
- Ian, she's the anti-Christ.

- She's still super hot.
- Fuck you, too. See you.

So what happened with Becca?

You been doing like I told you,
being a dick?

Yeah, kind of. Being kind of a dick.
I'd say... No, not really.

I mean, you know,
I've sort of been practicing

your whole being-a-dick thing
with this girl I met online.

- And I get it, but I just...
- Thanks.

I don't think I could do that for real.

Dude, sure you can.
I believe in you, you know.

You just got to stop worrying
about being the good guy all the time.

I mean, okay,
look at Andy and Randy over there.

You think they care
what women think about them?

They could give a fuck.

- What's up? What's up?
- What's up, what's up?

Hi. I'm collecting for
the underprivileged children of Ecuador.

- Would you like to help?
- Not really.

- We don't have any money.
- No jobs.

You wanna party?

Um... I'm kind of working right now.

- When are you done?
- Yeah, what are you doing after?

I have a church thing tonight.

- Kick ass, we'll come.
- Yeah, where is it?

Is there gonna be
more hot snatch like you there?

Those guys are total nards.
They never get anywhere.

That's just 'cause they don't know
how to close.

But they're ability to open
is fucking heroic.

- Do you wear thong underpants?
- Do you want us to take our shirts off?

- What color bra are you wearing?
- Is your mom hot, too?

Are you into me?

- Where do you live?
- What color car do you have?

- Where do you live?
- What's your address?

- Do you want us to come over?
- Do you like pizza?

We've been to a motel.

- Fuck off, donut.
- Rex, it's me.

What the fuck is this all about?

I broke the key off of our locker.
I couldn't get my clothes out.

Stow that shit in the trunk.
Christ, you look like a Mexican butt-hole.

You suck.

Becca? Hey.

Wow, I didn't know
that you were coming over.

Cool. I didn't even know
that you knew where I lived. I mean...

- Yeah, I do.
- Yeah.

- So...
- Oh! It's a funny story. I broke...

I broke my key off
and Ron let me borrow the...

Anyway, so this is great.
You changed your mind.

Now, the party, it doesn't start

- for a few hours.
- Actually, I was wondering if Dylan's here.

- Dylan?
- Yeah. Is he here?

- My 14-year-old brother Dylan?
- Yeah.

Nice underpants, Ian.
- Snap! Dang, that was funny.

You know he's 14, right?

Laura, Cindy, this shit is totally gratuitous.
I love it.

- Hey, congrats. Good to see you.
- Hey.

Is this the plan?

Ian, dude, there's like 80 wet chicks here.
Get off your wallflower ass.

- Are you smoking cigars now?
- Yes.

- Hey, Lance. Tight party.
- Okay, rude.

You can see
I'm having a conversation here.

Now, I'll be with you
in a few minutes, okay?

- Thank you.
- We're sorry.

- Don't apologize to her.
- I'm sorry.

Don't apologize to me.

Hey, I'm gonna go see
who Felicia's talking to.

No, dude, forget Felicia, okay?

I know you guys are BFF and all that shit,

but tonight's about getting that dick
a little daylight.

Hey, Lindsay, sweetheart,
where you going?

Come here, we're not done. Get in here.

- You know my boy Ian?
- Yeah. No. I don't know.

- You used to be on my paper route.
- Okay, sure. My mom likes you.

Fucking A your mom likes Ian. Look at him.
He's a big, bright crimson king. Right?

You know what else?

Ian is a bust-ass virgin.

I'm so sorry.

Don't let that deter you from fucking him.

Yeah. No, I'm pretty stoked.
I got into the University of Wisconsin,

and I'm gonna go for veterinary medicine,
'cause that's where...

- Are you gonna go to college?
- University of Boulder.

It's a great party school.

You know, I read that they have
a really great astronomy program.

I don't know if that's
what you're going there for or...

Because it's really high elevation,
and you can see the stars really well...

Planets.

Wow! A little tip action there.
That's really suggestive.

I'm not saying that
you're gonna do that on my, well...

You can just stick with my finger
if you want 'cause this feels great, so...

You're really good at that.
That's really wet. Two...

Ian! Dude!
- I'm... Could you excuse me for a second?

Hello. Hello?

- Hey!
- Hey! What up?

- What are you doing in there, man?
- What're you doing out here, man?

- I asked you first.
- Nothing.

No, I just... I spilled beer on my shirt,
so then I had to...

- I thought you had, like, a girl in there.
- Yeah, right. I wish.

So, okay.
So, are your parents, like, still going

to Dylan's motor-cross thing this weekend?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They all take off in the morning.

Okay. Awesome.

'Cause my evil cousin is driving me nuts,
so, I don't know,

you think, like, maybe I could hang
at your place this weekend?

Yeah. Yeah, like a sleepover or something.
It'll be fun.

Oh, my God! Thank you so much.
Hey, I have a secret.

- Okay.
- But it's like a girl secret, so...

- Can you handle it? Are you sure? Okay.
- Yeah.

Hey, Dibits, fuck off.

Okay, so I... Oh my God, this is so lame.

- Look at you acting like such a girl.
- I know, I know. Okay, okay. Here it is.

I have a crush on someone, a boy, a guy.

Yeah? Well, who is it?

Come on, you know me better than anyone.
I bet you know who it is.

Come on, guess.

Um...

I think I know.

I'm kidding. Oh, God! I got you.
You're so easy. You're so easy!

- You're my best friend.
- I know, and you're my best friend.

That's why it's funny that we would kiss,
because we wouldn't.

So who is it? Who's the lucky caballero?

Um... Nobody.

- Nobody?
- I... I was kidding, too.

- That is funny.
- It's hilarious.

- That is so funny.
- That is so funny.

Oh! I...

- You got...
- Yeah.

- All right. So...
- Hey!

Okay.

Harsh.

Well, come on, Ian.

You know what? I'm good. I'm just gonna...

Ian, come on, baby. Don't be shy.

No, thanks. It looks like
you got your hands full there, so...

Sure you don't want to
get in on this, bro?

No, thanks, man.

It looks like you fellows
got it all under control.

So I'm just gonna skedaddle.
You all take care now.

Lindsay, say hi to your mom.

All right. See you later, buddy.

Ian. Dude, where you going?

Shit.

Hey, Goldie, scoot over.

- Hey, babe, you wanna party?
- I'm at a party.

You should pee on us.

Why don't you take a picture, Ian?

Yeah, and post it on
Totalfuckingawesomeness. com.

Backslash-we-rule!

Where'd you come up with that?

- Hey, can I ask you guys a question?
- You just did.

- Can I ask you another question?
- You just did again.

- What's up? What's up?
- What's up, what's up?

Nice hair. It'll look even better in my crotch.

- Dude, where you going?
- Come on.

What's going on?
Something troubling you? Be a buddy.

- I'm... All right, all right.
- You got to get over the monkey.

Where do you guys get the confidence to,
like, hit on every girl you see?

- 'Cause we're the shit.
- Yeah, you oughts to know that, bitch.

- So where's Felicia?
- Fel-ate-cha. Yeah.

- She's in...
- Fe-lay-cha! You banging her?

We're just friends.

- I'm uncircumcised.
- Yeah.

- I'm into you and I'm hard.
- Yeah.

- Hey, I was born to fertilize.
- Yeah.

- I'm a firefighter.
- Fuck off!

Wait, I thought you took her to prom.

Yeah,
but it was a just-friends kind of thing.

You should bang her. We would.

Dude, we would bang her so hard.

We would take that ass and just...

Yeah, tell her we'll bang her for you
if you're not into it.

Yeah. Hard.

- With our dicks!
- Yeah, our dicks are huge.

You could see them from space!
What's up?

- What's up?
- Hey, do you have a phone number?

You don't. Okay.

I'll call you from nationals.

Say it.
- You're my little donut girl.

- Bye, sexy.
- Yo, Ian.

- You want to smell my finger?
- Yeah, okay.

Are you sure you got the right hole?

Kids.

Awesome.

Hmm... '69.

Whoa.

Don't puss out. Be cool.

I don't know.

That is a long drive, my sugar biscuit!

Sugar biscuit? God, I suck at this.

Holy buckets.

She wants me to give her the D.

Well, honey

What ya got, Mr. Mans?

I got a lot of money

I don't see no keys in my hands

I just wanna nasty girl

Now tell me, is that nasty girl you?

Do you like what you see?

Could you be my nasty girl
and let me do that dirty dance with you?

I can love you long time

I like 'em all in shapes and sizes

And it don't make no difference to me

If you're short, tall, big or small
Long if there ain't no big surprises

Chances are you'll suit me to a T

Love beef.

Terry, phone call.

Dude, weren't you in my gym class?
What is it? Egan?

Yeah, yeah. Hey, Jordan.

Right. Whatever, scrotch.
You can't get your fist pregnant.

Russ, man, check it out.
Yo, look who's buying jimmys.

You want these gift-wrapped, Egan?

Just ring it up, man.

Karen, let me have that for you.

Dad, what did you do with my helmet?

Ian, honey,
I made you some tollhouse cookies.

I'll just leave these here for you.

I'll get them later.

There's $40 in the cow for fun money,

so be safe and sorry I didn't knock.

Anytime. It's your home now.

Oh, dear.

- Dude.
- Hey.

What is going on with you?
You bought rubbers?

- How did you know that?
- It's on Russ Miller's blog.

Jesus! That was, like, 11 minutes ago.

What's the deal? Dude.

She wants me to meet her tonight
at the Big Boy in Knoxville.

This is a fucking written invitation
to your dick from the Internet.

Oh, Jesus.

Seriously, dude, pack your shit.
We're going to Knoxville.

No. Stop it. Put these back.

This is the type of girl who has...

She has it shaved into a landing strip.

I can't deal with a landing strip.

Okay, dude, you don't know that. I mean,
she could have anything under there.

There could be a little Hitler
or just a full, nasty Chewbacca.

But I'm guessing this chick is baby fresh.

You know, she doesn't even want me.
She wants him.

I'm sorry. This is good. This is fine.

I mean, that looks like you. Like the eyes.

Tasty's probably a guy, anyway.

Maybe. But what if she's not?

You know, I mean, look, you've already
opened, and I could help you close.

We just need one thing.

Ian, just look at this.
I mean, you roll up in a '69 GTO,

she's gonna drop an egg right there
in the Big Boy parking lot.

Hey, Ian, come give me a hand with this.

Here. Strap that end down. Tight.

- The cord's too short.
- Put a little sack into it, powder puff.

- All right. Thanks, little brother.
- Yeah.

- Hey, Ian.
- Yeah.

Did I hear something
about you wanting to borrow my car?

No, no, it's fine. Thanks. Thank you.

You sure?

You're my little brother, Ian.
All you gotta do is ask.

Okay.

Could I use The Judge this weekend?

Fuck-stick, I wouldn't let you drive
The Judge if it was parked on my shnuts.

Let's go, Dad.
- What a dick.

You should take his car just on principle.

What do you want me to do, you know?

I mean, I doubt I can hot-wire it,
since I don't even know what that means.

What are you doing?

No. Lance, no! Put it back.
Did you just hear him? Please.

Come here, we're gonna have a talk.

She's only nine short hours away, okay?

We're gonna head down there tonight
and you're gonna put a dent in that shit.

Ian's gonna treat it like it's meat
that needs tenderizing.

With his dick instead of a hammer.

You can pound it till it bleeds.

Yeah, it's just a fucking girl's mess,
and then we're gonna be...

- What're you doing?
- Still rolling.

Who's gonna pound on it? Say it.
Ian's gonna pound on it.

We're back tomorrow
before Rex even knows the car is gone.

Now, listen, these girls at Madison are
gonna be fucking at a college level.

I need you ready for that.

Wait! Put it... Put it back.

Back here.

For God's sake. You two rump rangers
couldn't wait five minutes?

Shit.

- Shit!
- Fuck!

I told her she could stay here this weekend.

Dude, what the hell?
Why are you driving Rex's car?

I thought me and...

- Are you bitching out on me?
- No.

- No.
- No.

Good. Well, then where are we going?

Um... Knoxville, Tennessee.

Okay. I'm gonna go tell my mom.

Okay. Are you gonna... Awesome.

Dude, what the fuck?

- I don't want her along.
- Really?

You don't want to bring Yoko
on your sex trip?

Yeah, no shit.
She's always cock-blocking you.

No, she isn't. She doesn't even have a...

Okay, twat blocking.

Professor.

When will you
be coming back?

No, tomorrow.

When?
- No. Bye! God.

You guys
drive safe now. Bye!

So, what's in Tennessee?

My grandma has got some cancer.

- Grammy K?
- She's fine.

She's gonna live forever. Well, a long time.

It's, you know... I mean, what is it called?

- It's foot cancer.
- She's got a little foot cancer.

She'll be hopping around in no time.

So what's she doing in Tennessee?

Oh! Um... Well, there's this kick-ass
cancer center there.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's like... It's famous.

- Yeah.
- So if you ever get any cancer,

you should totally check it out.

I would.

So you want I-80 East and then
65 goes all the way through Indiana.

- So how's it feel?
- What?

I don't know, breaking the rules,
talking some shit, driving The Judge?

It feels pretty good.

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw

I'm in the prime of my life

Let's make some music, make some money
Find some models for wives

This is our decision
To live fast and die young

We've got the vision
Now let's have some fun

I said, yeah, yeah, yeah

This dude wants to race.

Let's go, ladies.

Lance! Cut it out!
Come on, you don't know who's in there.

Dude, I don't care if fucking Steve
McQueen's zombie corpse is in that car.

I refuse to be embarrassed by a car
that looks like a Trapper Keeper.

I am not racing in my brother's car.

Holy shit.

What the hell is that?

Looks like a Nachos BellGrande.

And a chalupa!

Medium Coke!

Go right!

Turn the wipers on!
- They are on.

They're not working!

Please, don't yell at me.
I'm doing the best I can.

- Winnebago!
- Where?

Winnebago! Winnebago!

Oh, my God, are you all right?

Yeah, nobody offer to help.
I got this under control.

- Are you all right?
- Do I look like I'm all right? Fuck!

You know what might make you feel better?
Putting 40 on pump two.

Hey. You okay in there?

God damn! My back teeth are snorkeling.

Sweet relief.

You got the shy bladder?

- Yeah.
- Damn.

Paruresis. That's what they call it.

Let me tell you something.
I didn't catch your name.

It's Ian.

Let me tell you something, Ian.
I had it something fierce.

You can do it, Ian. You can do it.

Go running down by your sister.

Excuse me, ma'am, that was my pump.

Yeah? You move your meat,
you lose your seat. Hmm.

Logan, do not eat that.
You will fuck up your appetite!

Damn.

Listen, Reba.

If you value the rest of your teeth,
you will shut off that pump.

So I tells my daddy, "You know what?
You're not the boss of me.

"Not you, not Angie,"
that's that girl I was telling you about.

"And sure as hell not this bladder of mine."

Well, he looked at me,
and you should have...

Ian. Where you going? Don't give up.

Jesus. I've been pissing for an hour.

- Another one for the collection.
- Cool. Thanks.

What?

It's okay, Brandy. It's okay, baby, don't cry.

Lance, what are you doing?

Dude, you should be ashamed of yourself,

because I'm just trying to show
another human being a little compassion.

And my dick.

It's okay, baby. Just let those tears fall.

You know why?
'Cause our love will dry them up.

Love will keep us alive. Just like that song.
You know that song?

That's our song now.
That song represents our bond.

Don Henley's words represent our love.

What have you got?

Hey, kid, where you from?

- I'm from Chicago, I mean, outside Chicago.
- Are you two married. No?

- No, we're just friends. We're amigos.
- You make a good couple.

She's pretty. Marry that girl.

See my lady and I here,
we've been married forever.

And I tell you she was gorgeous.

The first day I saw her,
I said, "This is gonna be my wife."

And you know what? It happened.

I tell you,
that was a very good year for corn.

Made lots of money.

I fixed my 4X4 and bought my lady
a sexy French lingerie.

Boy, those were the best six bucks
I ever spent.

You kids want to help yourself
to a can of Purple?

- Purple sounds great, Ian. Purple?
- Yeah, I can go...

Say, the boys still hanging?

- You ever had a peppermint fatty?
- No. Let's have that.

See how that shoe fits.

Oh my God. Do you have a degree in this?

You know that thing,
when runners say they break the wall?

You know, and it's all good after that?

I feel like that
when my dick's in your mouth.

It actually says Purple Soda.

Bad boy.

You like him, don't you?

- What? Who?
- Lance. I mean, he's the crush, right?

Oh, yeah! I like Lance, 'cause he's so hot.

I wanna have his baby, he's... Whatever.

Brandy!
- Uh-oh!

Brandy! Shit.

- Howdy.
- Howdy.

Mr. McBroom. Ma'am.
Where the fuck's Brandy at?

- You ever hear of a rolling brown-out?
- No. Let's try it.

You bleach that.

Wait. No, no, no, no! Nothing brown!
Nothing brown! Nothing brown!

What're you gonna do? Hit a girl?

No, but I'm gonna
pummel his ass real good.

There you go. There you go.

Hey!

I have to go to church.

Come on, baby! Open the goddamn door!

All right, this is not what it looks like.
It was a project for school.

Purple Soda!

Wiener!

Ow!

There you are.

Come on, come on.
I do not want to die naked.

Fuck you! Motherfucking son of a bitch!

Get on your feet, you motherfucking pussy!

I'm gonna ask you this just one time.
Did she give you the nugget?

Hey, hold on!

Come on, man, she's not worth it.

She's just gonna shit all over you.
Trust me.

- She touch your butthole?
- No, no. Jesus, no!

- Let's see!
- I thought she was a man. I'm gay.

I'm gay as hell.

Eat bat, dickhead!

Holy shit!

Ian just killed that guy.

Sir? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Are you all right?

Look, I have my insurance card.
I'm sorry. We're from out of town.

I couldn't see you through the corn.
I'm sorry.

Where the hell's the road?
- It feels like left.

I told you we didn't have time for this,

- but all you care about is your stupid dick.
- Ian.

And you leave us out there
with her mom's weird soda.

- Ian.
- And her dad's balls in plain view...

Ian, Ian, whip a shitty!

Motherfucker!

Holy fucking shit! That's how you do that!

Oh, my God, Ian, amazing driving.
Lance, you suck!

Where the hell are we?
- Where are the Google maps?

- They're in my pants.
- Which are?

In the trailer.

Mmm-hmm. Great.

Shit. I got gum in my bush.

Hey, pick this guy up. Maybe he can
show us back to the highway.

- Ian, do not pick up a hitchhiker.
- Don't worry, I won't.

No, no, no.

Oh, my God.

Hey! Thanks for the lift, man.
I've been out there for hours.

Not one car. Can you believe it?

- Listen, sir, we didn't...
- You're good people.

- Guy, you're not wearing any pants.
- Yeah, I know.

Right on.

Let's go. We better go.

Hey, you got my stuff.

Hey, real quick, guys,
what's the story of the girl?

- I'm 25 years old.
- I don't know what he's talking about.

I got nothing. There's no bars.
You know, it probably just needs water.

Got any in the trunk?

Hey, sweetheart, men are talking.
We got this one.

Yeah, thanks,
but this happened to my brother's car once

- and you just piss in the radiator.
- Really?

Yeah.

Oh, God! Damn it!

- Are you okay?
- Fuck. Yeah.

That's a lesson learned.

You can watch,
if you're into that kind of thing.

Wow, thanks, but I think we've all seen
your dick enough for one day.

Do you hear that? There's a ringing.
- Your loss. It's like razor blades.

What? There's ants down here. FYI.

All right, you're up. Grip it and rip it.

Okay. Go away.

Dude, seriously? Still?
I thought you got over this shit.

You're a grown man.

Flowing river, gentle stream.
Flowing river, gentle stream.

- Yo, stage fright, how're we doing?
- Damn it, Lance, just give me a minute.

Excuse me.
We kind of need you to pee in the radiator.

- Why?
- We just do.

I'm sorry. I just took a squirt
a couple of minutes ago.

You want me to shit in it?

- We'll get back to you on that one.
- All right.

- I'm telling you, I could shit right now.
- Awesome.

Our new friend's got nothing left
in the tank.

What?

No. Guys, come on.
I don't have the aim that you do.

Every drop helps so much.

Hey, look what I found in my bag.

Thank God.

- No!
- What the fuck are you doing?

You all just wait 20 minutes
and I'll top it off for you.

Could be ten.

Fine, fine. Okay.
But if any of you pervs peek,

I swear to God it will be
your last conscious act.

Shit.

You kids need some help?

Hi.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm great.
I just beaved a family of four.

Try it.

All set?

Look, I'm sorry, sir,
but we can't give you a ride.

I'm gonna say this once.

You unlock this fucking car,
or God is my witness,

I'll stake you all to the ground,

cut you open and let the dogs get at you.

Oh, yeah?

Bye-bye.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

What happened?
- It's stuck.

Uh-oh.

That didn't work out like you planned,
did it?

You know what? Mostly I'm disappointed.
It shows zero character.

I know, I'm sorry.

And you're a dick.

You're a dick. You know what, ma'am?
You're a dick, too.

- Here's that pee you ordered.
- Roll them up.

- There you go, Tex.
- You're soaked with pee.

Quick car wash?

- God!
- Gross.

It smells like beef jerky. You know?

It's just got like that sour sweetness.

How can nobody go down a road
for an hour and a half?

Why did they even make this stupid road?

It's so hot out here.

Ow!

Oh, my God, your head.
Wait... Does it hurt? Let me see.

Yes. It hurts.

- What is that?
- Oh, my God.

Wow.

That is so beautiful.

Need some help?

- Yeah, but no offense...
- Right, 'cause I'm Amish,

so I wouldn't know anything
about your '69 GTO Judge.

455 Big Block, Ram Air. 4-11 posi,
something like that.

Weird, that thing must have fallen
straight from space.

Well, good luck with the future ride,
spaceman.

Hey, dude, wait up. Hold on.

Wow!

Okay.

What are you doing? Whoa, whoa.
No, no, no. Leesh, that's a bad idea.

- What?
- Come on.

You don't know how far we have to walk.
Those are your only pair of shoes.

You know what? You're probably right.
God, you're so sensible.

But maybe I should? Or maybe I shouldn't?

I should.

I can't believe you just did that.

So he met this chick on the Internet,
which is sketchy.

The Internet?

Yeah, it's like a series of computers
that are connected through...

Computers?

A computer is like a big calculator,
you know, with the screen.

I'm just busting your balls, man.
I know what the Internet is.

- Okay.
- You ever heard of Rumspringa?

Yeah, that ska band from Delaware.

No, it means "run wild." It's an Amish
tradition where when we turn 16,

we can go live like you heathens
for a while.

You go nuts, party for months or years
till your folks start hassling you,

and then it's back to the Stone Age.

But if you're on Rumspringa,
what's with the buggy?

Oh, no. I'm not. Not anymore.

I probably shouldn't even be
talking to you but...

I'm a little bit of an Amish floutlaw.

- Sometimes I just miss the world.
- What do you miss the most?

You know, I miss sarcasm.
It's mostly lost on my people.

Oh.

And gambling. Went to Vegas once.
And buttfucking.

Have a lot of nice memories there.

I hear that.
- Oh, yeah.

Buttfucking.

Wait, are we talking about dudes?

- No.
- Okay. Then yeah.

I mean, unless that's what you're into,
and then, whatever.

- It's not.
- No?

No.

- Not into dudes.
- No, no, no, no, no.

- How old are you?
- Old enough.

How old are you?

This is gonna happen.

It's gonna happen
whether you fight it or not.

So I kind of want you to fight it.

Cut.

- All right. Now you.
- No way. Forget it.

Dude, you never do anything crazy. Ever.

Hey! I'm driving halfway across the country
to go to...

To visit your grandma? Whoa!

So anyway, we're there and she's like...

Oh, yeah.

Like, she won't stop crying.

- That's the funniest thing, too.
- I know.

I know, I was with this stripper in Vegas,
and I was like, "you want this?"

So she's like, "Yeah, I want it, I want it."

And I was like,
yeah, this gets hotter by the second.

"What're you crying about?" She's like,
"...wanted to be a doctor."

And I'm like,
"Yeah, you're a fucking Ph.D. of cock."

- Yeah.
- Yeah, exactly.

And then coercing my load
out on to the crying face.

Vegas in general is just... Good times.

You can get a blowjob for $10.

Or for free if you meet the right girl
and tell her "I'm on Rumspringa."

"What is this blowjob that you speak of?"

"Your techno music beguiles me."

Let me put it in your butt.

You know, when you cut your foot on
a piece of glass,

- don't think I'm gonna carry you.
- You know what? I will be fine. Okay?

- I was born barefoot.
- Hey! Wait!

Hey! Stop!

Have a nice walk, shit-birds.

Oh!

Hey, Ian, Felicia, this is my boy, Ezekiel.

What up, English?

There's no service out here.

- I can't even tell her I'll be late.
- Good. That's perfect. Keep her waiting.

You don't want to come off as desperate.

I'm driving nine hours.
How am I not coming off desperate?

- We had shit to do.
- Uh-oh! See that creamy stuff?

You blew your head gasket.
That's not good.

- Shit.
- Don't cry. We can fix it.

- Really?
- Yeah, really. We're good at it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. I didn't mean to undersell it,

but it's an impressive thing.

- Yeah. We'll fix it.
- Wow, that'd be cool.

Yeah, would be cool, wouldn't it?
I might be the coolest guy you ever met.

- Wow.
- Wow.

- Thank you.
- Yeah. You're welcome.

That's what you say
when people do nice things for you.

You know, there's a pretty big shindig
shaping up next door

if you guys want to hang there
while we work on it.

Take it easy while we do all this for you.

- Does he have an attitude?
- No, he's fucking with you.

Okay.

Just relax, man.
I got a good feeling about this, you know.

You're gonna party with the Amish.

Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be
one kick-ass quilting bee.

What's up, man?

- Hey.
- No f-ing way!

When I'm home alone
I just can't stop myself

- This is insane!
- I know.

Signing off, " I'm all right in bed,
but I'm better with a pen"

I'm all right in bed, but I'm better with a pen

The kid was all right, but it went to his head

Thank you, guys, very, very, very much.
You guys fucking rule, man.

Dude. Don't even bother.
Your game is not gonna work on that girl.

What do you know about girls?
I've never even seen you with a girl.

I'm gonna go check on the car.

Yeah, fuck it. Let's dance.

- Bite me. I'm not your consolation prize.
- Come on. Don't be hating.

Fine.